Need a break?

Every year when the first real snow hits, I tell myself, “Jennifer, next year you will be prepared for this! Next year,

you’ll buy gloves and snow pants early. Next year you’ll pull a sled out of storage and take your kids to that hill everyone posts pictures of.” And then the snow passes and the importance fades. Cue the next year, cue frozen digits and soaking wet jeans, cue making a snowman instead of sledding.

If you gain one thing from this article, let it be this: Put the paper down and go to the store. Buy snow pants before they sell out. They will sell out! And while you’re at it, buy a snow shovel, because when it is time to get out of your driveway, there won’t be a shovel in sight.

Now that we have that settled, here are a few ways to kill time on your unplanned, very cold day with those children you usually pawn off on the school district.

Turn your snow into ice cream. This should not require a trip to the store, as you only need three ingredients. Missing one of the ingredients? Go next door and ask your neighbor for a cup of sugar. They have been waiting for this moment since you moved in. Get in there and make them feel needed!

Ingredients:

• 8 cups snow

• 1 cup sugar

• 1 tbsp vanilla

• 2 cups half-and-half or milk

Start by filling a large bowl with your snow. Pro tip: The whiter the snow the better. Pour sugar over the top followed by vanilla and milk. Stir until the consistency of a granita. A granita? I thought you said ice cream! Reset your expectations. This is a pleasant tasting activity to keep your kids busy, which vaguely resembles ice cream. Want to make this activity educational? Tell them they used to make this ice cream on the Oregon Trail. Did they really make this on the Oregon Trail? Hard to say, I wasn’t there.

Make homemade playdough. You might be thinking to yourself, playdough was invented by the devil, how dare you! However, homemade playdough has slightly fewer properties of the underworld. For example, it doesn’t smell like regular playdough and it doesn’t dry up like regular playdough either. Ask yourself what you would rather have in your home, a bin of homemade slime or a bin of healthy playdough? I think you know the answer.

Ingredients:

• 1 cup flour

• ½ cup salt

• 2 tsp cream of tartar

• Food coloring of choice

• 1 tbsp vegetable oil

• 1 cup water

Mix your wet ingredients in a bowl, add to a cooking pot. Mix your dry ingredients, add to the same pot. Cook over medium-low heat until a ball forms. Remove from heat, allow to cool. Cover every surface of your home in oversized tarps. Hand over the playdough to your children. Retreat to a back room to cry.

Pawn your kids off on someone else, then watch Netflix till your eyes bleed. Open your contact list and search for someone who lives within walking distance (you probably can’t get out of your driveway, because you didn’t buy the shovel like I told you to). Text them, “Hey, I feel bad for the kids. The weather is so terrible. How about we throw on a movie and pull out the snacks?” They will say yes because you have appealed to their parental guilt. As soon as you get a “great idea!” reply, bait and switch. Send your kid to their place with a bag of Cheetos, nacho cheese flavored Doritos, anything that pleases them that you don’t want eaten at your house. You win the day. You lose one friend.

I sincerely hope this article was as helpful for you to read as it was therapeutic for me to write.

This advice is not sanctioned by the American Pediatric Association or Dear Abby.