Lifestyle portrait of Asian mother and son hugging and spending time together in an urban cafe

Toxic Masculinity is a term that has crept into mainstream lingo. It describes how, in our society, some men are socialized to often deny and suppress emotions other than anger, taught to behave more aggressively with an enhanced sense of entitlement and even act hostilely toward women. Being aware of it and the damage it causes to our children and families is crucial in order to combat it.

These seeds are often planted through common beliefs; things like “boys don’t cry” or “boys will be boys.” We often separate boys and girls in terms of interests and abilities, encouraging boys to play with trucks and guns, for instance, while suggesting girls should enjoy dolls. As a society, we tend to compliment girls on how beautiful they are and are more likely to tell boys how smart or strong they are. This builds up the assumption that boys are better at math and science and girls are better at arts and languages.

Frequently, boys are taught it’s normal to value relationships less, to be more aggressive in their interests, and that they will be the breadwinners. Girls are taught that it’s normal to feel more, to behave more passively, to base their self-worth on being in a relationship, and to always excel at caregiving while they are frequently steered toward professions with less opportunity for breadwinning success and independence.

The harm occurs when cultural norms encourage boys to ignore their more tender emotions, as they grow up, in essence abandoning part of their humanity. As teens or adults, some may act out in unfortunate yet socially acceptable ways, at work or with micro-aggressions like sex-based jokes. Others may take their aggression to extremes, leading to sexual and domestic violence. Where toxic masculinity is the norm, boys can be bullied for not living up to these standards, leaving emotional scars.

Girls can internalize and conform to these negative messages, coming to believe them consciously or not, which can contribute to problems with self-esteem and relationships as they get older. Most damaging is the threat of men’s aggression that some women live with on a daily basis. The reality is many girls and women have or will experience some kind of sexual and or physical violence in their lifetime.

As parents, we like to think that we are modeling and teaching good values to our children. But toxic masculinity normalizes unreasonable standards based on gender. This can be internalized without us even realizing it and unintentionally passed along to our children. How do we combat this?

The first step to stopping the cycle is to explore your own beliefs around gender. Notice what kinds of messages you send your children. Extend compliments equally regarding your children’s actual abilities. Do you have different expectations for your kids, based on their gender? Here are some other ways to handle the issue:

• Listen for messages that your kids hear and when you spot something rooted in toxic masculinity, offer an alternative perspective.

• Set limits with aggression. When it becomes hurtful or has the potential to become hurtful, step in. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s not OK to be aggressive.

• Tactfully and without aggression yourself, let your family and friends know when they push an explicit or implied message of toxic masculinity. Let them know that it’s not acceptable.

• Are you comfortable with your own spectrum of feelings? Show your kids that everyone has feelings and that emotions are good and okay. This is only possible if you believe and can do this as well.

• Lift up strong female role models such as favorite aunts, sisters and mothers.

• Strong female role models in sports are especially helpful. Sabrina Ionescu, of University of Oregon basketball fame, is a good example of a strong athlete who went on to professional level basketball following her college career.

• Stress that excellence in life, in many different fields including thriving in sports or perhaps working in NASA’s space program, is not determined by your gender but by your inner abilities and intelligence.

As parents, we have the ability and the responsibility to restructure our culture. We can make it a healthier and more positive environment for our children to thrive in.