Boy, am I in Fat City. Today I get to make fun of two groups – the sideways-challenged and the poodle-coddlers – in the same column.

The International Size Acceptance Association is going after the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals for a billboard that says in so many words that there is no such thing as a fat vegetarian. Obviously, PETA is not aware of the cheese grits at Threadgill’s.

The billboard, which can be found in El Paso near the airport, shows a guy’s beer gut hanging out between his T-shirt and jeans, superimposed over two airline seats along with the words, “Don’t Pay For 2 Seats: Go Vegetarian.”

The PETA ad is referring to Southwest Airlines’ policy of making the hurdling-deprived buy two airline seats.

The claim in this PETA ad is that if you eat vegetables instead of meat, you will become skinny enough to fit into one seat.

People at the International Size Acceptance Association say this isn’t necessarily true, and they’ve started a write-in campaign to PETA to complain. “We’re not against vegetarians,” said Allen Steadham of Austin, the association’s director. “If they had really wanted to reach people, they could have contacted us and we could have worked together. But they went for the usual shock approach. And this time it just stepped on too many toes the wrong way.”

Have you ever wondered if, on the way to outer space, the fat people take longer to start floating around the cabin than the skinny ones?

“We’re not fighting fat people, but we are fighting fat,” said Ingrid Newkirk, PETA’s president. “Used to be you would look around and there might be one fat person, and now you look around and the floor is shaking. I think they’re going to have to reinforce more than the cockpit. Men and women look as if they’re eight months’ pregnant if you’re standing at the airport.” I don’t know why the people who think two chins are better than one are upset here. Everybody knows that if you eat lunch at a sproutateria, you’re going to rub elbows with a bunch of whiny pencil necks.

I went to two vegetarian places the other day, and both of them suffered from a fat guy shortage. My walking in helped, but not much.

At Veggie Heaven, 1914 Guadalupe St., there were 10 people inside, with only one big ‘un, so to speak. She probably got lost on her way to Ray’s Steak House. Then again, how are you going to pork up eating dishes with names such as Tropical Rain Forest, Path of Phoenix and Thunder Tofu?

Mr. Natural at 1901 E. Cesar Chavez St. had more wide loads around than Veggie Heaven did. Then again, a contingent from Dell having lunch helped tip the scales.

Of about 25 people in the place, only about six were, as they say, built to the ground. Surprisingly, two or three of them were servers. My theory is they ate at a hamburger joint before they came to work.

Hey, they sure didn’t put on that weight eating the soya guisada.

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John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso@statesman.com

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