Let’s face it, being a parent is hard work. It’s the toughest job you’ll ever love and it will last the rest of your life. There are many parenting styles or “parenting scripts” as some call them. Finding the right ones for you, your family and your child takes some work. One such parenting style is called Gentle Parenting. So, what is it and how does it work?

Gentle parenting is an evidence-based, peaceful parenting style that focuses on establishing a collaborative parent-child relationship. It practices empathy, respect, understanding and boundary setting. With consistency and compassion the goal is to teach children to become self-aware and learn to express themselves in socially appropriate ways. It is parenting without shame, blame or punishment.

Anne-Marie Kemp, director and teacher with The Learning Tree Montessori School in Enterprise has been an educator for 44 years.

Gentle parenting is the new buzzword, she observes. “A lot of people do it, but don’t realize they’re doing it.” She says the concept has been around for years. The Montessori philosophy is freedom within limits and freedom within boundaries. “It is not about not saying no.”

Is it appropriate for all children? “My personal belief is yes,” Kemp responds. “I think it works better. When it involves mutual respect and empathy, allowing natural consequences when warranted.” She explains that it obviously does not apply if a child is running into the street into oncoming traffic.

Lisa Collier has a somewhat different approach. An educator in Enterprise with teaching experience from pre-school through high school, she also has seven children and four grandchildren. Collier says if, back in the 1990s, she had the life experience and skills she has now she would have done things differently. “I’d be a better parent than when I started 27 years ago,” she reflects.

She says she thinks gentle parenting is a good base, but that “every child could need you to parent in a different way. It is a good baseline. It’s a good thing to try. You need many things in your tool belt.”

The gentle parenting style, she says, leaves space for discussion around a child’s behavior. She agrees with Kemp’s assessment that “most of the time there’s room for explanation, but sometimes there isn’t. If a child is in danger there isn’t time.”

According to the gentle parenting style, children learn empathy and respect from interacting with and watching their parents. Boundaries are an important part of gentle parenting. “When children have boundaries, they feel safer. They know what to expect,” says Kemp.

Collier says it’s important to teach children to self-regulate when they are young, to sit and listen, and how to act appropriately, things they can then do by themselves.

Both women used the example of a child having a meltdown in the grocery store to illustrate some aspects of gentle parenting. If the child’s tantrum is because he or she was told they can’t have any candy, the parent can then speak in a calm voice and explain why not.

Kemp suggests responding with something like, “‘I can see you’re mad, but you need ‘growing food’ and that is why you can’t have candy.’ No is a boundary.” Collier says with a tantrum, try “sitting with them until they can calm down and have a conversation on what to do next.” This takes tolerance, but works better than yelling at the child to get up off the floor and stop having the tantrum.

There are pros and cons to this style of parenting. Setting boundaries can be time consuming. The style may seem unstructured. It requires patience to be successful. Collier pointed out it may not work with all kids all the time.

But does it work? Research suggests gentle parenting can effectively promote positive child development, better mental health and fewer behavioral problems. Children raised by parents using the gentle parenting method correlates with improved child societal and emotional development.

In the end, a parent has to choose the parenting method or style that works best for them and their family. No style is a perfect for every parent and child — what works for one child may not work for another. “There is no one right way,” Kemp says.