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My first daughter was a dream when it came to sleeping. At six weeks old we could swaddle her tight, give her a pacifier and she would contentedly doze for seven hour stretches. When daughter number two arrived a couple years later I figured what worked for the first would work for the second. But, as any parent of more than one child quickly learns, it rarely turns out that way. I was at a complete loss when she spit out the pacifier in disgust and wriggled her way out of even the most secure swaddle. Restful nights were no more and many of the things that worked well for my first child completely backfired with my second.

Parenting can be hard. Just when you think you have the hang of things and it looks like smooth sailing something changes. The baby starts teething, someone gets sick, you hit the terrible twos, there’s trouble with friends at school, they go through puberty and become teenagers that drive and date. Even adult children may come back home with little ones of their own. All of that can be difficult enough with one kid and adding more to the mix brings on new and different challenges.

Luckily some things work well in all relationships with children. Being attuned to the needs of each child can build trust and security and using an authoritative parenting style is effective for helping children grow into competent and caring individuals.

Attunement is being able to sync with your child’s emotional states and needs. Being empathetic and responding appropriately to children’s desires can lay a foundation for a strong attachment, which is crucial for healthy development. Starting when they are babies, attunement allows you to detect subtle changes in their cries and know when they need to be fed or if they want a break from their game of peek-a-boo.

There may be times when you can’t provide what your child wants or needs in the moment, but often acknowledging and validating their feelings is enough. Being attuned to your children works best if it begins in infancy, but those connections can be developed at any age. As children grow their emotional landscapes shift and attunement helps you navigate the changes.

Once your kids learn that they can rely on you to be sympathetic to their struggles, they will trust you as a source of support through the hard times. Maintaining strong emotional connections allows relationships between parents and children to thrive through the highs and lows of life.

While attunement builds a foundation of trust, parents also need to establish boundaries and consequences for children to experience a solid sense of security. There are four common parenting styles: authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved. These vary in their levels of expectations and empathy.

Children tend to be most responsive to an authoritative parenting style that combines high demands and high responsiveness. Research consistently shows that this approach leads to higher academic achievement, better social skills and less instances of behavioral problems in children. Combining nurturing and warmth with clearly defined boundaries, authoritative parenting can help foster independence and mutual respect in the parent-child relationship.

Authoritative parenting (which differs from the my-way-or-the-highway authoritarian approach) also allows for open communication with your children. While the method involves clearly defined rules and consequences for disobedience, conversations about why boundaries are in place are key to its effectiveness. When children understand the rationale behind your rules and realize they are rooted in love and concern, kids are more likely to cooperate. There is also room for flexibility with authoritative parenting and negotiations can be made according to the needs and level of responsibility of children. Adapting to changes in circumstances is another hallmark of this approach. Though it requires a great deal of patience and understanding on the part of everyone involved, the outcomes are well worth the effort.

Combining attunement and authoritative parenting provides a level of security for children to develop and take healthy risks as they mature. The needs of each child will evolve over time and while one child may respond well to a gentle approach, another one may need more firmness and structure as they test limits. But by maintaining a strong emotional connection and providing clear boundaries and open communication you can give your children the support they need to grow into capable adults.

Change is the norm, so being flexible and responsive is always a crucial element of parenting. There are always challenges, but some things definitely get easier and I am glad that my sleepless nights are (mostly) a thing of the past!