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Our brains have evolved to keep us alive and they are good at noticing threats to our safety and helping us focus our attention on ways to avoid potential harm.

Experts say we overreact to the negative and underreact to the positive, which is known as a “negativity bias.” This bias can impact our relationship with our children, making us more focused on ways they are falling short, rather than noticing the good they do. Their numerous successes can be overshadowed by a few mistakes that consume our attention.

If your child comes home with a poor grade from school, you may worry about their future. If they make a hurtful comment to a family member you may be concerned about their lack of respect. Maybe you wish they would make better use of their time than social media and video games.

Though children often need our support to overcome challenges, I believe they also need us to recognize where they are succeeding. The adage that “what we focus on grows” applies here and can help shift our perspective in a more positive direction. We tend to get excited when our children reach milestones, but it’s easy to overlook all the little tasks kids do successfully each day to take care of themselves.

Take video games — maybe your child is a great problem solver who is determined to keep trying until they make it to the next level. Are there ways to celebrate that and help them apply those same skills to other areas? Time on social media may be an avenue for teenagers to communicate honestly and give and receive emotional support from friends. When we see our kids getting along well with others we might not think to show appreciation, but it never hurts to encourage those positive behaviors.

Your child may not be the star player on her soccer team, but you can still share in their joy of playing and appreciate their improved physical coordination and stamina.

Creative outlets like music, drawing, constructing, or storytelling can be great for inspiring children to express themselves and demonstrate the positive things that they are capable of.

School has its own set of pressures for students (and parents) in the pursuit of top grades and test scores. It can be discouraging when kids fall short despite your efforts to help them succeed academically. But in all these areas, what if you reconsider what success looks like and help shine a light on the talents and abilities they already have.

I think a great way to motivate children is to involve them in the process. Asking about what they are proud of and their goals for their future can offer insight into what they value. Having them come up with their own ideas for improvement may motivate them to take an active role in determining the outcomes they want.

Not long after schools shut down because of the pandemic, my middle-school daughter was failing most of her classes in spite of regular outreach and encouragement from her teachers and school principal. After some time without change, I sat down with her and asked her to write where she wanted to be in school at the top of a paper and where she was now at the bottom. Once she determined her goal, we drew a ladder connecting the two and worked together to break down the steps she would need to take to reach the desired results. Recognizing that she could get where she wanted to go, she was able to quickly turn things around and accomplish what she intended.

Parents can also share our own goals and what we do to achieve them. Helping children understand how we have overcome obstacles can encourage them to persevere when things are hard. Adults also have the benefit of hindsight. Letting your children know things you wish you had done differently or when things went well can help kids prioritize their pursuits. It may also help them see the bigger picture of where their choices could lead and the benefits of reaching their goals.

An amazing thing about our brain is its ability to change and adapt. Although our default may be to focus on the negative, a little practice can shift the emphasis to seeing the good in even the small successes of our children.