This is Captain Butterball of the Governor’s Party Team. Citizens should be aware that we have microchipped random turkeys and hams at local markets. This allows us to track the destination of these products.

We are authorized to use drones and communications technology to find those persons who choose to disregard the six-person maximum party size for Thanksgiving. Violators will be placed under house arrest and confined to their bathroom. Guests will be sent to their homes. The suspect turkeys and hams will be humanely consumed by members of the team. Repeat offenders will be relocated to Portland where they can join rioters and looters.

Happy holidays to all in Umatilla and Morrow counties.

Capt. Butterball, aka Mike Mehren

Hermiston