Temper tantrums can trigger parents, too, but these tips should ease the anxiety.

“I hate you! You are the worst mommy ever!” Ever heard those words? Or, maybe you have been on the receiving end of little fists swinging wildly. It can be hard to parent in this moment. As your child slips down to their emotional or survival brain states, we often get triggered ourselves. When we get triggered, we respond with similar behavior and when it’s over we feel guilty for being a “bad” parent.

The good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way. We don’t have to get triggered and we can rescue our kids from their emotional or survival brain state. There is hope!

Let’s start with understanding what these brain states are, based on the Conscious Discipline work of Becky Bailey. Your highest functioning brain state is the executive state. This is when you tap into your prefrontal cortex using your executive function skills — planning, organizing, goal setting and other problem-solving abilities. In this state, we are asking the question, “what can I learn from this?” This is where we are curious about how and why things are happening. It’s the key to learning.

Next, we slip into the emotional state, when we are ruled by our limbic system and our skills consist of blaming others, back talk, always/never statements, name-calling and social aggression. When we get triggered, we can slip into this state because we are wondering “am I loved?” Not the cartoon hearts and kisses kind of love. This is unconditional acceptance, selflessness towards another person, more about belonging than fitting in. Children (and adults) want to know if you will be there for them when things get hard or if you will reject them. In this state what we need is connection, to be seen and heard and not judged.

Your base brain state is your survival state, operated by your brain stem, where your basic life functions happen. Here you have the skills of fight, flight and freeze. This is where we see behavior like hitting, spitting, hiding under desks, withdrawal, running away and screaming. Here, the question is “am I physically or emotionally safe?” In this state, the body is getting adrenaline ready to use or it’s shutting the body down to die. The internal physical state is highly unregulated and needs to be brought back into a rhythm, and this requires a regulated adult.

So, what do we do with when are kids enter these brain states? Step one: Breathe! This helps regulate your system, so you can stay in your executive state. You can’t bring a child to a brain state higher than yours, so you need to stay regulated and know that it’s OK if you make a mistake. Breathe and try your best.

Once you are calm and ready, identify what state your child is in. If they have gone all the way to their survival state, help them regulate. You’ll need to help breathe for and with them. Practice breathing with them when they are calm, so they have the skill when they are triggered. Encourage them to breathe. If they are not ready to breathe, you breathe with them and you are the example of calm.

As your child becomes regulated you will start to see the emotional brain, and he can begin to tell you what he’s thinking. Here is where you acknowledge his feelings. This means you name them and let them be. Don’t try to save them or dismiss this, rather, let your child take in the feeling. It’s as simple as saying “you seem disappointed, you were wanting more ice cream.” Or “you seem frustrated, you were wanting the Legos to stay together.”

As you help them process their feelings, set your judgment aside. Their feelings are what they are and an adult can only help coach what to do with them. This brings us to the executive state, where we are ready to problem-solve. Acknowledge their desire with “you were wanting” or “you were hoping for” and then offer choices by adding “you can ask for help or you can try again by yourself. Which works best for you?”

Helping bring our children back to their executive state is one of the biggest skills we can model for them. It will set them up for success at school and in their relationships. And the practice helps us in our own careers and relationships, as we get better at doing it for ourselves.

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Erin Bartsch is the P-3 Coordinator for the Blue Mountain Early Learning Hub and a part of the UMCHS team, working to bridge early childhood resources and prepare children for kindergarten. For more information visit www.bluemountainearlylearninghub.org.