I collect one liners and jokes on little slips of paper in shoe boxes. Here is a sample of what I have gleaned over the past few years from bumper stickers, postcards, word of mouth, and the blessed internet. We are better than a year into this COVID mess. I figure maybe we could use a bit of comedic relief.

Never fight ugly people, they have nothing to lose.

All stressed out and no one to choke.

Be prepared. The meek are coming.

Born once, that was plenty.

I intend to live forever — so far, so good.

It’s been Monday all week.

Nothing political is correct.

One by one, the penguins slowly steal my sanity.

Pee for enjoyment, not for employment.

Jesus loves you, but I’m his favorite.

Reincarnation: Been that, done there.

Save trees. Wipe with an owl.

Smile and the world audits your taxes.

Stop animal experimentation. Use lawyers.

Teach. Don’t Preach.

Thank you for not breeding.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

The urge to scream tells me I must be at work.

Next time you wave, use all your fingers.

The way to a man’s heart is between the fourth and fifth ribs.

Someday we’ll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Too bad stupidity isn’t painful.

A good way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I kept an open mind and my brains fell out.

Was today really necessary?

As useful as a mint-flavored suppository.

When you do a good deed get a receipt, in case heaven is like the tax man.

My career is taking off. I’m never at work.

When you don’t know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Why is there always so much month left at the end of the money?

You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Coincidence happens.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Blood is thicker than water, and tastier.

He wears a hat so he can remember which end to wipe.

Humpty Dumpty was pushed.

I would jog, but the ice would fall out of my glass.

Jealousy is all the fun you think they have.

Once I thought I was wrong — but I was mistaken.

Pornography? We don’t even have a pornograph!

The buck doesn’t even slow down here.

Cheerios are not doughnut seeds.

Think hard now! Which one is Shinola?

As useless as windshield wipers on a duck’s butt.

Why can’t we just spell it “orderves?”

I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

Never enter a butt-kicking contest with a porcupine.

I caught him tossing bread crumbs to helicopters.

He’s got it floored in neutral.

My future is behind schedule.

His head whistles in a cross wind.

If I called you a wit, I’d be half right.

He is one brain cell away from being a talking monkey.

There should be a warning label on her forehead.

Did you sit under the ozone hole too long?

He is tall enough to hunt geese with a rake.

I sold my car for gas money.

I lettered in track as a member of the javelin catching team.